Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
