I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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