There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
