I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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