I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
