There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
