I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
