You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
