I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
