she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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