For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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