we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Dick very happy bro
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
