I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
