week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
