he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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