I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
