You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
