they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Pants are for mortals
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
