So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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