Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
