it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I will pee on everything he values.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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