guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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