Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
