fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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