just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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