don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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