I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
