She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
