so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
