Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
