so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
