First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
