I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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