vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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