oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
