Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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