last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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