Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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