Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize