Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Congratulations! We have a period
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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