Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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