i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
