my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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