I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize