he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
