his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
