its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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