I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize