Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm getting married
To pizza
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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