I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
