totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
