There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
