Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
