chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
